Friday, January 14, 2011

Antique Feelings

Another day. Another letdown. That's how everything seems to turn out. Now, I'm not so narcissistic to believe life is only like that for me, but damn it, it's the truth.
Every time things seem to be going right, some other crap happens to jump in my way. After oh so many obstacles, a person is liable to either snap or just lose their will to live. Luckily, I'm far too stubborn and thick-headed to ever lose the will to live, but damn life can be tiring.
I always end up wondering if it's all just destiny, or if as humans we just make or break our own destinies. The more I compare, the more it seems, well, both. There's a set path for you depending on what choices or actions you take, but at the same time, there's just so many things you can't control. So, I obviously ending asking the same questions every other human asks themselves. "So what the hell is planned for me?" Am I just meant to deploy to Iraq or some other place I want nothing to do with, just to throw my whole life, and everything I've worked so hard for, straight to the scrapper? Well, I guess that's just the life for a "Dog of the Military."
Oh well, I suppose I should just accept the fact that my insignificant, torn up life was never meant for any greater purpose, but like most every other person, I've always had the ambitions to really make something of myself, leave my mark on the world, make a difference, etc. Yet the farther along this path I travel, the more powerless I end up feeling.
I still have a small glimmer of hope deep within the confines of my soul that I can turn things around, that everything will turn out all right, but I also worry about how long I can keep that spark burning. I highly doubt I'll be re-enlisting. It will already be four years of my life thrown away. Four years of my life away from the people I know, the people I planned on "fixing" my relationships with. Yet now I'm just pushed away from them all, left to wonder what life would be like if I had stayed home.
Sometimes I feel like I made the decision, and I'm better person for it, but I know that's just an illusion. Sure I've learned a lot, and I MAY have found a little direction towards what I really want to do, but I still feel like the same person. More muscular, more confident, but just as screwed up as always. Maybe one day I can find a way to stop fucking over every relationship I truly value, but I have to continue to worry about how my messed up little head will make me hurt another person I love by "running away." Honestly, I don't wish my life upon anyone else, which may be the very reason I try not to get too close to people.
God that almost sounded cool, but if I was in any way a dark, brooding soul, I don't think I would have written down my thoughts for the public to see. Oh well. Fuck it.
At least I'll be able to leave "something" behind. Heh. I guess all I can do is continue to tread along this very dusty, lonely path before me. See you at the next tavern if I can.
Last old post I think I'll be putting up. I think this one may have actually changed a bit over the years.

1 comment:

  1. Hehe. Yeah, I would say certain pieces of this one have changed a bit. Oh sweet youth...